Memento.

Were it so easy.

I've tried and cried so much.

No one is fulfilling in your magnitude. Nothing else feels like enough. Nobody else is quick enough, clever enough, visually and conceptually dense as you were. 

A vast sea of simple single-serving people made to be left on the background layers of my mind.

I still see you wherever I go. 

Ironically, trying to free myself from this pain, I've gotten scared. I'm scared of not being able to feel anything after I'm finished with this.

And so, from time to time I torture myself mentally to check if I can feel, still. 

You gave me so much love, trust and joy that it feels like you've taken something more than your presence. It feels like you've taken my heart with you.

And don't worry, because I don't want it back. It's all yours. It was meant to be. 

And I'm happy not feeling it in my chest, to be honest.

It's so hard, trying to move on, and not wanting to at the same time. Crying for something that's gone but that still makes you smile.

Everytime it rains I go outside and let the dropplets of water mask the tears that flow among them. They are my physical memento of our days together, in the end.

They make me cry because I live with this pain alone. I intend on keeping that pain to myself. I fear someone might attempt taking the memories away from me. I've been judged so many times for having lived those weeks with and for you. Can you believe it? How is it possible that as happy as you made me, there's still people that care about me trying to take you away from my mind?

I don't want to lose the memories, I don't want to lose you.

I don't want to lose our rainy cuddles listening to Coldplay's Parachutes album.

Our Adventure Time episodes before bedtime.

Our breakfasts together.

That song from Beach Fossils we both love so much and reminds us of each other.

Your eyes lying on me while mine rest on you.

Or how Black Mirror's "Hang the DJ" made me have a breakdown because you were leaving.

Only if they knew how much and how hard I've cried for you. Only if they could see how much it breaks me. It's disturbing how much it changes me. So much it could scare even the people who've known me for so long.

I'm actually making a trip in some weeks. I've bought 35mm rolls again for the first time in years.

Do you remember? That Black and White roll we promised to make together? I'll have to make it alone.

I'm getting away from here. From everything that reminds me of you. From Fiore's sad looks when she feels I'm sad or about to break down. From all my letters, my mementos of you.

And from myself.

I want to disappear. To be gone. I want to start anew. To lie to myself one final time. To know, finally, if I truly need to leave. God, I wish it was raining right now.

Funny.


Were it only so easy.

-horus;