Fixing.

I needed something to let myself go a bit as I feel I'm about to explode with an amount of feelings only comparable to the crumble of a thousand bombs. I have a few things I think I need to fix about myself and thought I'd write it here for it to be recorded:

I worry too much.

Most of the time I'm practically waiting for you to start asking yourself why you're with me, or how come you haven't grown tired of my insecure fucking ass (which I gotta admit, I'm very good hiding). Sometimes I even think that you're going to find somebody that offers you more than I can provide, you'll start asking those questions I have nightmares about. 

So, I want to worry less, because I tend to think the sharp ends of echoes from past, or scars I have on my heart will come back to hurt me a bit more just for fun, that everything will happen again, when in reality I'm only living in my own cage full of spikes.

I ask "are you okay" too many times.

Even when it's not necessary, I wonder if I have done anything wrong, or if I can be with you when you need me, in some way, at least. I'm a wreck when it comes to remembering that I love you, my heart barely handles it, if at all. I miss you, hanging out with you, having your hand in mine, holding you tight or just having the chance to offer my hand as a pillow. I wish I could do it all every day even if it was only for 5 minutes. Then I crumble to my own thoughts when I think that everything can be gone from one day to another; I begin to panic, and then I just feel the urge to ask you if you're okay. 

I do hope you can understand, most probably you have already, but I've been told to ask for the things I want before having them, so here I am. If you feel you have, thank you for such a wonderful gift. You make me feel amazing when I see how you look at me. You know the way you do it. Keep doing it please, I feel saved when you look at me.

I fear what might never happen. 

I hate to admit it, but E is sometimes right about how most of the stuff I don't like to hear. Most of the times I circle around a lit pond inside my head, consumed by my own fire without me ever doing anything to solve it because I feel like "that's the cards I've been dealt". 

But to be fair to myself (and I'm not most of the times), I've been through, what some might call, a lot of shit. It affects me every day; every choice I make and every step I take is produced and revised thousands of times to evade the improbable chance of repeating something that happened in the past that was absolutely not under my control. -I must learn to forgive myself for making those.- I've been taught to give 200% every single time. Because sometimes not even 150% is enough to keep what you love most, even. Nothing is ever guaranteed. I've been stripped of people, I've been kicked out of my hope innumerable times. Stabbed on the back for reasons I never truly understood, but ended thinking were caused by my ignorance. Felt like life was dripping through my fingers the day after being the happiest I've ever been. 

One day somebody is ready to offer you as much help as you want, and the other they don't want to know about you. One day somebody loves you, the other one they don't. 

I feel nothing I do will ever be sufficient.

So yeah, as I was explaining before, I do feel that nothing I do is ever enough. Please, above all, do not think this is caused because I don't trust the people I love, ergo, you, my friends or family; but rather because for one reason or another, my path has taught me to never take anything for granted. It's sometimes also a bliss of nothingness and yet, a sea of hope to choose to fight for everything so much and so desperately.

It is mischievous hope. Of an untrue fact and a stabbing thought. Ever present, but small panic and already proven, never lasting love. As eventful as the pain I feel thinking of possible choice I will never make. As momentary as the memory of that kiss on my cheek that you gave me when we were having coffee together at your home.

Some might read this and think, gosh, what a fucking idiot. Truth be told, I do think so too. But an honest idiot if I may add. 

It is great to remember the amount of love you give me, because it provides me with the small inspiring thought I need to keep going if I ever get the chance to.

This is hard to write because I most terribly HATE feeling pity for myself. I believe hard work can always change things no matter the circumstance, there's always a way. And I will keep choosing hard work; Every. Single. Time.

Anyway, there's a thousand things I would like to say and add, but it would probably take forever, and time waits for no one, not even me, luckily.

This text/letter/explosion (?), is a summary of the sentence that I showed you, but adapted to me.

"Beat happy stars. Timing with things below. Beat with my heart more blest than heart can tell. Blest.   But for some dark undercurrent of woe, that seems to draw.  
 

But it shall not be so.  Let all be well, be well"

So I'll sum it all up in a mere: 

I love you, thanks for loving me so. I do love you back, wish I could let you know. I've never felt as loved. And I think I've been blessed, to know that you have crossed my path, and to be walking it with you, even if it's only for a while, although I must warn you, a while in my book can be an eternity.

So, let's sit down and enjoy the landscape. It's all I want, if only it grants me 10 more minutes by your side.

-horus;